Here's another for you all to laugh about!

Comic relief, that awful time of the year when watching starving African children is more entertaining than Lenny Henry.
 
I was telling my mate in the pub about some great experiences I'd had recently with prostitutes and callgirls.

"Aren't you worried about infection?" he said. "I mean STDs and all that."

"Not really," I said. "They're all professionals and that's just a risk they have to take."
 
So our over generous government are going to match 'Our' donations to Comic Relief , with 'Our' tax money.

How kind!
 
I went trainspotting once. It was really easy.

They're ****ing massive and make loads of noise.
 
£5 will buy a family in Africa a mosquito net.

We should be getting them fishing nets. A few mosquitos aren't going to feed many people.

:twisted: :D
 
My mate is doing a sponsored bungee jump, to raise funds for a suicide prevention charity.

It's a bit like the one his brother did last year, except he didn't bother with a rope.
 
I said to my mate, "How did your night out go?"

He said, "I was smashed. Last thing I remember was talking to a bird at the bar. Then I woke up next to a ****ing fat, ugly lump this morning."

I said, "At least you made it home."
 
Pope Francis seems to question the legitimacy of Falklands independence despite 1,513 residents voting to stay British.

Pretty cheeky from a man who got elected to office by less than 117 votes.
 
When I asked my girlfriend if I could f**k her in the arse she looked at me with a wicked glint in her eye and said, "Baby, I'm happy to try anything you want me to, just so long as you'd be prepared to do it yourself...So, do you still want to f**k me in the arse?"

"Actually, I've changed my mind", I replied, "I want you to have sex with your sister."
 
After much pressure from my mum, I finally agreed to take my alzheimers riddled grandad out to the pub for the afternoon.

I couldn't believe what a good time I had, and wish we'd done it sooner.

It was always his round.
 
White smoke has been seen bellowing from the main job centre chimney in Liverpool. The new employed person for the city has been elected.
 
Some asked me if I believed in ghosts.

"Absolutely not." I replied.

"How can you be so sure?"He asked.

"My wife died two years ago," I explained, "If there was any way of coming back to haunt me, that ***** would have found it by now."
 
Thirty years ago I murdered my wife and children. I then stabbed to death her parents, my parents and all our friends. It was an episode in my life I regret terribly, now.

I get released tomorrow and there's no-one to pick me up!!
 
I couldn't help myself when I saw my ex-wife in church.

"F**king *****" I spat, "I'll always hate you and I hope you burn in hell"

As always, her family got involved, but I managed to get one good punch in on her open casket before I was thrown out.
 
Whenever a new Pope is elected, he gets to choose a new name.

I thought the police had stopped sex offenders from dodging the register that way.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top