Here's another for you all to laugh about!

Pope Francis seems to believe the Falklands belong to Argentina.

Well, it's hardly surprising for a man in his 70s who has chosen an imaginary friend as his boss - if you've gone that far, you can probably believe anything.
 
I said to my mate, "I can remember the first time I visited Liverpool, I found it very hard to leave."

He said, "Did you fall in love with the place?"

I said, "No, I had my car stolen."
 
When looking to buy a car, you can always tell if its going to be a s**t heap by the following sentence -

"One careful lady owner"
 
They say, be careful what you wish for.

I don't remember wishing I was married to a big, fat, ugly, moaning *****.
 
The residents of Cyprus are protesting in the streets because the government are going to start taking money straight out of their bank accounts

I've had a similar problem like that for many years now

It's called a wife
 
My son ran panting into our bedroom last night. "Daddy, there's a monster under my bed!"

"Any worse than what's beside me?" I said.
 
I walked up to the young guy stood at the counter today and said, "Do you have anything for acne?"

"No," he replied.

"Thought not," I said, "I'll have a large Big Mac meal with a Coke please."
 
Me and my mate were talking about our fat wives earlier..

"Mine's doing really well with those low-calorie weightwatchers meals." He told me.

"She's now down to thirteen."

"Stone?" I asked.

"No. Per day."
 
Just been watching re-runs of the new Pope getting chosen but didn't get the whole white or black smoke routine, so I asked my catholic mate Jimmy.

I get it now - the white smoke means they picked a new one, the black smoke means they're still burning his hard drive...
 
Michael Le Vell is hoping to participate in a first aid course in his local community to try and gain back some respect.

He'll do anything to help someone bleeding from a minor gash.
 
I've been trying to decide which is the best way to tell the kids that their mother is dead.

Should the cake have candles or not?
 
I said to my wife, "You're as pretty as a picture."

"Do you think so?" she asked.

I replied, "Yeah, every time I look at you I think of Picasso."
 
A ventriloquist walks into a Small welsh village and sees a local sitting on his patio with his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the man

'Mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, stupid.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this man your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'






Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think?!?'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Villager: ....(in a panic) ........




...'The sheep's a f*****' liar.......'
 
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