Here's another for you all to laugh about!

My wife said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"

I said, "Unless your mother's died, you'd better give me the bad news first."
 
I stole my wife's diary to see what she'd been up to and was totally gob smacked to find she'd had a mastectomy on the very day she kicked me out.

She'd wrote 'Just got rid of a right tit'.
 
Since I can't find the local hospital at the new town we moved into, I'm going to let the wife drive.

We'll get there one way or another.
 
I looked out the window just in time to see my mother-in-law slip on the ice and knock herself out on the pavement.

"kin' hell." I said to the wife.

"It looks cold out there."
 
My wife insists that I am driving her to lesbianism.

Not a problem, car keys, video camera, KY gel.

"OK love ready when you are" I called.
 
Me and my wife were in town last night, when we passed a new restaurant.

My wife said, "Can you smell the food? The aroma is gorgeous."

I thought f**k it, I'll treat her.

So we walked past the restaurant again.
 
"It doesn't matter what I do or say," I told the wife, "I'm always wrong in your eyes."

"That's not true," she said.
 
Frogman,

This may not be funny but I can't help but tell you how sweet it is to see how much you love your wife.

She's always on your mind.:)
 
Sarah said:
Frogman,

This may not be funny but I can't help but tell you how sweet it is to see how much you love your wife.

She's always on your mind.:)
Click to expand...

She's always on my mind for the wrong reasons! ;) :lol: :twisted:

I always text her these jokes first before posting them here. :D
 
My late wife was a very independent woman. She always liked to do everything for herself.

Like when she committed suicide, I had to force her to let me help.
 
I finally managed to talk to the girl I've been following for the past few months.

"I've been following you for a long time now" I said.

She screamed and said, "Get the f**k away from me you crazy b***ard".

I replied, "I was only going to tell you that your tweets are boring as f**k".
 
My girlfriend asked me where I was taking her for her birthday

Apparently 'up the arse' was not the right answer.
 
My girlfriend placed my hand on her stomach and said, "Can you feel how hard the baby is kicking me?"

At least I know it's mine.
 
After 20 years of marriage the only sentence my wife didn't finish for me.

Is the one I'm serving for her murder.
 
I've honestly started to build a Lego version of the pope...

Just so I can say that he's a choking hazard to small children.
 
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