Here's another for you all to laugh about!

My marriage is based on a solid foundation.

As long as she wears enough, I forget how f**king ugly she actually is.
 
It was my wife's birthday today. I sat grinning at her in the living room till the doorbell rang.

"You should probably get that," I told her, winking.

"Is it my present?" she asked excitedly.

"Maybe," I said mysteriously, "Or maybe I don't have enough cash to pay for my pizza."
 
My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."
 
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I like breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked, was a nice shaved snatch.

Apparently I'm not welcome in KFC anymore.
 
I just got a text from the wife "How would you like your steak tonight x"

I text back my reply "Like your blow jobs, rare"
 
Was watching a documentary about Alzheimer's last night, and my wife turns to me and says

"What a horrible condition, if I ever get Alzheimer's , I think I'll just shoot myself".

"I know" I replied, "You said that 5 minutes ago".
 
I had a nasty surprise when I walked in on my Thai girlfriend baking me a cake in just her underwear.

Spotted Dick.
 
Since the Argentinians refuse to call the Falkland Islands by their correct name in order to raise tensions, I reckon the British should refer to the new leader of the Catholic church as Pope Belgrano.
 
I said to my wife, "Would you like to go out on Saturday night?"

She said, "I'd love too."

I said, "Good, because the all lads are coming around to play poker."
 
I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and said, "Can you have my children? I'll be no longer than a few minutes, I promise."

"Sure," she replied,

I said, "Great, get your knickers off then."
 
Last night I drunk dialled my mother's phone number and said, "Hello sexy."

How embarrassing!

Considering my dad answered..
 
Ironic, isn't it? Pope Francis is against the use of condoms but his name is an anagram of 'cap for *****'!
 
My girlfriend texted me today.

'Hi honey-bunny, I fancy getting a DVD and having a little snuggle-wuggle on the sofa tonight. How does that sound?'

'F**king pathetic' I replied.
 
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