Here's another for you all to laugh about!

"I've got a new nickname for you," I told my wife today.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Bambi," I replied.

"Aww, is that 'cos I've got beautiful eyes?" she asked.

"No, it's because I've just killed your mum," I replied.
 
Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
 
My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in.
 
A man says to his wife, "What would you say if I told you I'd won the lottery?"

She says, "I'd take half and then leave you."

"Excellent," the guy says. "I had three numbers come up and won a tenner. Here's a fiver... now f**k off!"
 
My wife and I planned to commit suicide together.

But once she'd killed herself, things suddenly looked a lot more positive.
 
Today during dinner my son had hardly touched his plate and the wife said, "Think of the poor children in Africa, Kyle"

He said back to her, "Do they have to eat this s**te too?"

High fiving didn't impress her too much either.
 
My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
 
When interviewed today by a reporter for the BBC, two American students have signalled their hopes for a newly elected Pontiff to be a 'Pope for young people.'

Oh, don't you worry about that.
 
I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000

So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."
 
My porn star friend recently passed away.

As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.
 
Argentinian Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio has been elected as the new Pope.

The 76-year-old, who will be known as Pope Francis I or uncle Frank to all the under 10's
 
White smoke from the Vatican, That can only meen one thing;

They've finally finished burning all the laptops and hard drives.
 
They've just hailed a new pope in, which is quite ironic, because 'Hailed Pope' is an anagram of paedophile
 
The crowds gather as black smoke rises once again leading to the question...

How many Philpotts have died this time?
 
I was sitting on a park bench smoking a cigarette when a little boy came walking up to me all on his own and said,

"Smoking kills, didn't you know that?"

I smiled, took his hand and said,

"Didn't you know that talking to strangers does too?"
 
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