Here's another for you all to laugh about!

I wonder if Chris Huhne and Vicky Pryce are one of those annoying couples who finish each other's sentences?
 
Some women cry when they try clothes on in fitting rooms.

But that's probably because they weren't expecting to see me in there.
 
Manchester City have approached Chris Huhne to be their new manager.

They'll take three points from anywhere.
 
My wife has a theory that I'm worried she'll leave me, and that's why I put her down all the time; so she'll comfort eat and put on weight so other men won't want her.

Nonsense. She's so fat, I don't f**king want her either.
 
"Well everybody," I said, during my wife's mothers day meal, "I'd like to announce that My wife is now drinking for two.."

"Congratulations!" Everybody said with a cheer.

I said, "Hang on a minute, she's not pregnant, she's an alcoholic!"
 
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on do it yourself abortions.

The librarian says, "We had to get rid of it."

"That's the one." the man replies.
 
My mate Dave asked me what I had bought for Mother's Day.

"Stockings, silky underwear, lube, a few new sex toys to try out and I've booked a room for the two of us at the Hilton."

"Don't you think that's a bit inappropriate, mate?" he replied.

"Oh no, it's not for my Mum, mate, it's all for yours."
 
My wife said she wanted to be teased a bit in the bedroom before sex.

So I whispered in her ear, "Your a miserable old cow." and now she won't stop crying.
 
My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man."

I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever.

She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"

I said, "Pack your bags and f**k off."
 
My wife was furious coming home to find our teenage son in bed with a girl.

After, she said, "He gets it from you, you know!"

"What? Good looks, confidence and the ability to woo the opposite sex?" I replied. "Sounds right because he doesn't get it from you!"
 
Black smoke = No decision yet

White Smoke = New Pope appointed

115 blokes in purple dresses trying to make a run for it out of the back door of the Sistine Chapel = Operation Yewtree raid.
 
My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot.

It's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what the f**k I did wrong.
 
The theme for my little boys non-uniform day today was "Heroes and Villains."

I thought he could have the best of both worlds and sent him as Jimmy Savile.
 
I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Andrew, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.'

I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
 
My wife told me that I needed to grow up and stop acting like a child...

as she sat there, holding the teddy bear I'd bought her for Valentine's Day.
 
"Push Harder!", I shouted at my wife when she was in labour. "F**k off you b***ard," she screamed back.

She was a little harsh, I thought to myself. It's not my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.
 
Chris Huhne wishes he could 'turn back the clock', which let's face it is yet another serious motoring offence.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top