Here's another for you all to laugh about!

I seem to get erections in the most awkward places.

Last night I had one while I was in bed with the wife.
 
I'm not saying my wife was ugly but when she passed away,a group of necrophiles practically begged me to have her cremated.
 
My mate Dave lost his job after he kept taking a week off every month.

His boss told him he was behaving like a c**t.
 
After nearly 3 hours of searching , I finally found my wifes clit.

It was under the rug.

Didn't want any bits left for forensics....
 
Thank f**k for Facebook and Twitter.

Texting 317 friends, "I've just had sausages for dinner - yummy!" was getting expensive.
 
Tried a sex position with the wife last night that was so uncomfortable for me, I couldn't maintain my erection.

Which position? Facing her.
 
Just finished a book called "Dying For A P**s".

It's about how Valentine's Day gets celebrated in the Pistorius house.
 
"Look at the state of me" said my obese wife crying."Nobody loves me."

"That's not true love" I said,"What about the food industry?"
 
"The Pope will spend the rest of his life in the Vatican avoiding the public".

Surely they mean "the police"?
 
For years, the number of tourists killed in Egypt was pretty static but just recently it has ballooned....
 
I caught my ten year old son smoking an electronic cigarette today.

So I told him they're for queers and bought him a pack of real ones.
 
I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinnochio has joined the Taliban.
 
No matter what anyone says about my wife, she's always there in times of trouble.

Usually screaming 'You caused this'!
 
Jessica Ennis has been made a CBE by the Queen.

Finally, somebody on the honours list who people wouldn't mind being molested by.
 
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