Military Jokes Page #4:)

If you know any good military jokes, please mail me, or post them in the forum.
These are just jokes, do not take them (too) seriously.. :) 

Dear Abby,
I have a problem. I have two brothers. One brother is a boatswain in the Navy, the other was put to death in the electric chair for a gruesome multiple murder. My mother died from insanity caused by syphilis when I was three years old. My sisters are prostitutes, and my father sells narcotics to high school students. Recently I met a girl who was just released from prison. She was sentenced for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I want to marry her.
My problem is - if I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother who is a Boatswain Mate.?
Sign Dilemma

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The Foreign Legion Captain

A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."
 
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An Air force officer goes to heaven

An air force officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

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In The US Tank school, the following are definitions, as appropriate, by the different organizations that support the tank:

In the tank gunnery school, you are taught that if your tank could move, and communicate but could not shoot, what you had was a worthless tank.

In the tank propulsion school, you are taught if your tank could shoot, and communicate, but could not move, what you had was a worthless tank.

in the tank communication school, you are taught that if your tank can move, and communicate, but can not shoot, what you have essentially is a 52 ton portable radio.

happy tracking tankers!

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As the Korean war was at a stalemate the US realized that they didn't
know how many prisoners they had so they appointed a Marine Colonel to
do a census of all the prison camps.

He walked in the office of a prison and asked the ROK soldier there how
many prisoners there were.

"Many, many", he replied.

"No, I need to know exactly how many for my report".

"We have many, many", he replied again.

The Colonel then asked if there was someone who could give him the exact amount.
The soldier said that a Marine Sergeant sitting at the next desk might be able to tell him.

He went over to the Sergeant and said,
"How many prisoners do you have here, son".

"Colonel, we've got a piss pot full".

The Colonel said, "Now why the hell couldn't that little SOB have told me that".

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A very posh British surgeon at a field hospital looks down at at bleeding
and moaning Australian 'digger':

Surgeon: "My God, man! Did you come in here to die!"
Aussie: "No, Sir, I came in here yesterday"

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The farmer's three daughters

A farmer's three daughters leave one night for dates with their new
boyfriends, one a Airman, the other a Soldier, and the third a Sailor. 

The girls all bring their dates home that night, and the next morning, the
farmer wakes up bright and early at 05:30 to cook breakfast and meet the
boys his daughters have brought home. 

The Marine comes down at 5:45, clean, pressed, and spit-shined,
eats two eggs, an apple, and a glass of milk,
says, "Thank you for breakfast, sir", and leaves. 

The Airman comes down looking fairly squared-away at 06:30, eats three eggs,
two slices of bacon, two pices of toast, and has a glass of orange juice. 
He says, "Thanks for the chow" and walks out the front door. 

At 10:00, the farmer gets tired of sitting inside, so heads to the back yard to do some chores,
when the Sailor comes dashing out of the house, dress white top stained,
neckerchief missing, one shoe in one hand and a scorched old cup of coffee in the other,
and yells "Later!" on his way out of the yard and down the street.

His daughters come down a short time later, and he asks them all for
accounts of their evenings.  The girl who'd been out with the Airman says,
"He was a perfect gentleman.  He bought me dinner and a couple of drinks,
gave me a hundred dollars to buy myself something nice, and retired at 22:00
to the spare bedroom to sleep". 

The girl who'd been out with the Soldier said,
"He was a nice guy, we each paid for our own meals, and he tried to
sneak a kiss off me.  He was sort of drunk, so I let him sleep in my bed,
while I took the floor, but, he did give me fifty dollars to buy myself
something nice". 

The third daughter, looking ragged and worn down, talking
about her date with the Sailor, says, "That asshole!  He came over last
night smelling like booze, and finished a bottle of whiskey he'd brought
with him.  He passed out on my bed last night after repeatedly trying to get
my pants off, and this morning he borrowed a hundred bucks 'til payday."
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The "old" and "new" Marine Corps...

There has been lots of speculation about when the "Old Corps" ended and
the "New Corps" began.

I researched this and found the answer.

In 1775 the Marine Corps was formed at Tun Tavern in Philadelphia.

In the beginning they announced that any new recruit would get a free
tankard of rum.

But they didn't get as many recruits as they wanted so they announced
that from now on all new recruits would get two tankards of rum,

A Marine in the back ranks said,
"We didn't have it that good in the Old Corps"
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Woman calls the police on the 9-1-1 line. 
When the dispatcher asks her what the problem is,
she says "will you send someone out here to get this naked fighter pilot off my lawn?" 
The dispatcher sends a unit to the woman's address. 

  When the Officer arrives, he sees the naked man lying, unconscious, on the woman's lawn.
He asks the woman what the man's name is and she replies
"I have no idea - just get rid of him."

  The Officer asks the woman, "Don't you know him?",
to which the woman replies, "I've never seen him before in my life." 
"Well then, if you don't know him - how do you know he's a Fighter Pilot?", asks the Officer.

  The woman replies,
"well, look at him - he's got a Big watch, a little dick, and he was trying to cash a check!"
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A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.
During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.

So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to  the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.

He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.  As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says,
"Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished." 

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says,
"Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an  Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months  without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
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The USAF Chief Master Sgt.

A MSgt, a TSgt and a Chief are off the flight line together for lunch.
While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!" Says the MSgt,
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!" Says the TSgt.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman."

Poof! He's gone.

You're next, the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says,
"I want those two back on the flight line right after lunch."
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Pilot's pre-launch brief off the carrier to his passenger
in a 2-place jet:  "If anything goes wrong off the cat,
I'll say 'Eject Eject Eject'. If you say 'Huh?', you'll be
talking to yourself."